Idyllic Sesquipedalia

Oh, howling wind
how sesquipedalian you are.
Never shutting up about
tree branches and plastic bags
and the like.

Although,
now that I think about it,
being long winded (did you get it,
yeah you got it)
doesn't necessarily
mean using big words,
so I guess you aren't
sesquipedalian after all.

This poem is bullshit.

On Laconic

I've been thinking about what a great word 'laconic' is. According to the Oxford Dictionary, the word originates from the mid-16th century and was derived from a region of southern Peloponnese called Laconia. In ancient Greece, Laconia was home to the Spartans who had a reputation among their fellow Greeks for being a people of few words. I don't know if this is true or not, but it is reported that when Philip of Macedon threatened to raze Laconia if he entered the region, the Spartans simply replied "if." Because of their terse reputation, the word 'laconic' was invented to mean "using very few words."

Another way you could put that is 'economic with language' and here's what's really cool about the word. 'Laconic' actually means what it sounds like. It is a near rhyme with 'economic' and both words contain 'con' in them. Plus, 'laconic' and 'language' have their first two letters in common. Apparently, by sheer coincidence, this word of Greek origin contains elements of it's own definition.

I am way too excited about this.

f (x) = 1/x

Alethea, you are the logarithm to my exponent.

For as long as I can remember

I have wanted you to be my tangent,

but as I chase you, always moving

closer, though never crossing understanding,

the only thing I have truly come to learn

is that you are an asymptote.

This desire for your Cartesian curves

finds its way into my every thought.

In my pursuit I have found love letters

written by countless radical minds greater than my own.

 Standing on each other’s shoulders,

they exponentiate themselves to you.

Yet even they were unable to solve for your affection.

How can i even imagine doing better?

Still, the purity of your perfection

is too alluring a plot to abandon.

I want to know you.

But even if that can never be I will continue

to move toward you fraction by fraction,

always the inverse.

Breaking News

In today's news, an incredibly handsome and talented Topeka man was found face first in a snow drift on the corner of 17th and Washburn. According to our sources, his car had broken down and he was making the long and perilous journey to campus on foot. When found by paramedics, he was quoted saying "there is snow in my boots and I can't feel my feet." What a brave man. More on this story as it develops.

Top Games of 2013

Here are some of my favorite games of the year, listed alphabetically (mostly), in haiku. Because why not?

Bioshock Infinite

The new Bioshock,
Is pretty damn impressive,
Quite shocking, I know.

There's been some backlash,
Against it's overwhelming,
Popularity.

But such praise is earned
As it is a lot of fun,
To fly through the sky.

Unlike the first game,
This one doesn't fall apart,
In the second half.

Gone Home

Not sure what to say,
The less you know the better,
Just buy the damn game.

The Stanley Parable

Ditto.

Hate Plus

Okay, hear me out,
It's an excuse to mention,
Love Conquers All Games.

It should be noted,
I don't usually like,
Visual novels.

On the other hand,
Her games are the exception,
And deserve mention

The Last of Us

Most obvious choice,
For game of the year by far,
This shouldn't surprise.

It's the best acting,
I've ever seen in a game,
Quite an achievement.

The ending is great,
It's very unexpected,
And leaves you thinking.

One Finger Death Punch

Oh my god this game,
It's only, like, two buttons,
Why is it so fun?

In technical terms,
It's not much to talk about,
Just click left and right.

It's not up to par,
With other games on this list,
But it costs a buck.

It makes up for that,
In cost to fun ratio,
It's worth mentioning.

Papers Please

This game crushes souls,
An Orwellian nightmare,
It's outright brilliant.

There's not much to say,
It must be experienced,
To appreciate.

Shadow Warrior

Wow, this game kick ass,
The most fun I've had all year,
A gleeful bloodbath.

It's wanton chaos,
And gloriously cheesy,
I love it so much.

It's not as artsy,
As most of the games I've picked,
But, fuck it, it's fun!

Honorable Mention: Deadly Premonition

I don't even.

Yeah Science! Early Astronomy and Motion

Before I begin, I would like to point out that I am not a professor, a scientist, or any kind of expert in anything. I’m just a nerd who can’t keep it to myself when I learn something cool. With that out of the way, let’s talk about said cool something. 

Why Science is "Yeah" Worthy

Simply put, science is the best way to understand the physical world. Actually, its the only way of understanding the physical world. Did trendy Asian-fusion folk remedies cure Polio? Did moon crystals take us to the moon? Does the National Weather Service use astrology to predict natural disasters? No! Science did all those things! Science gave us fire! Science gave us indoor plumbing! Science gave us computers and the internet! Science brings home the bacon and what thanks does it get? Six seconds of praise on Breaking Bad.

And even then, it had to share credit with a dying meth dealer. Science deserves better. It should be something people get excited about. Well, that's why I'm writing this. Science isn't nearly as boring or difficult to learn as your high school textbook wants you to believe. Science is our Obi-Wan Kenobi. It is our only hope for understanding the universe we live in. In other words:

  
Rather than start off with a tedious 10 page explanation of the scientific method like every science textbook I've ever read, I'll just give you the basics: predict shit; test shit; rinse and repeat. Moving on.

Astronomy and Early Science
  
The most basic principle of science is that our universe is as predictable as the sunrise. It's fitting then, that the first science was astronomy, the one that predicts the sunrise. Like many things, it started with the Greeks and like most things that started with the Greeks, a lot of it was bullshit.

 I rest my case.

In the second century CE, Claudius Ptolemy came up with the first model of the solar system. In the Ptolemaic System, the planets and stars all revolve around the Earth in circular orbits. Anyone reading this probably already knows that part, but what you might not have heard is that, in this model, the planets move in smaller circles independent of their orbits. This would explain uneven planetary motion and eclipses. The Ptolemaic System would remain unchallenged until the work of Nicolaus Copernicus was published in 1543. Those capable of math are probably wondering how a theory so wrong could be so prevalent for such a long time. Well, it honestly was the best theory at the time. Think about it, do you feel like you're barreling through space at 67,000 mph right now? Probably not. It explained every event in space people knew about back then, so it isn't any wonder that it was so popular. As for the Copernican System, it moved the Sun to the center of the solar system, but it kept the circular orbits, so it's wrong too. We wouldn't get an accurate model of the solar system until the men known as Tycho Brahe and Johannes Kepler showed up.

Before I get to his essential contributions to science, there are a couple of things you should know about Tycho: one, he was fucking awesome and two, he has nothing to do with dickwolves. Tycho's first big break was his discovery of a new star. This was a big deal because, at the time, it was believed the heavens never changed. The King of Denmark was so impressed by this discovery that he gave Tycho an island, like, a whole island, and the resources to build a big, fuck-off observatory (Tycho's uncle dying to save the King probably didn't hurt). From there, Tycho spent the next twenty-five years getting highly accurate measurements of the positions of stars and planets. Oh, and when he was in university he got into a duel with some nameless jackass over who was the better mathematician; Tycho lost his nose, but I think we all know who lost the argument.

When Tycho died, his assistant, Johannes Kepler, took up where his boss left off. Using Tycho's data, Kepler was able to show once and for all that, no, the Sun does not revolve around the Earth. He also discovered that the planets move in elliptical, not circular, orbits. Thanks to these two, we finally figured out how the planets move. Unfortunately, we still didn't know why the planets move. That question would be left to scientific juggernauts, Galileo Galilei and Isaac Newton.

Motion and Gravity

Galileo is probably most famous for his heresy trial; that or Bohemian Rhapsody. The trial is thought of by many as a champion of truth being punished for refusing to submit to Catholic Voodoo. The far less romantic truth is that Galileo was kind of an asshole and he pissed off the wrong people. Heliocentrism wasn't illegal, making fun of the Pope during the Inquisition was illegal. Still, none of that changes the fact that Galileo was a brilliant man who made invaluable contributions to science. The most important of these was the invention of the experiment. See, Greek philosophers believed that human observation was inherently flawed, so they believed the only way to learn about the world was through pure reason. One problem with this method is that humans aren't reasonable. If we were, it wouldn't have taken us thousands of years to figure out that, rather than sitting around arguing about whether or not a heavier object falls faster than a lighter object, we can just roll two balls of different weight down a slope and see which takes longer to hit the bottom. This is precisely what Galileo did, jump starting modern science in the process. Through this experiment he discovered that distance is equal to speed times time (a.k.a. the very first formula you forgot in high school algebra).

Galileo is often given credit for the invention of the telescope, but earliest known telescope was actually made by Hans Lipperhey, a craftsman from the Netherlands. It's an easy mistake to make as Galileo was the first person to record observations with a telescope.

 Isaac Newton built on earlier ideas of motion with his famous laws. First, a moving object will continue moving in a straight line unless force is applied; likewise, an object at rest will stay at rest. This seems obvious, but it was once believed that objects would move in circles unless acted on by a force. The Greeks and, by extension, medieval scholars really liked circles. Second, the more mass an object has, the harder it is to move. This is why it is easier to lift a brick than a house. The second law also states that an object will accelerate faster as greater force is applied; a ball moves faster if you throw it harder. Third, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. This is why you risk breaking your hand if you punch a slab of concrete really hard. Think about it this way, when you walk you aren't exerting a force on yourself, you're pushing against the ground. The Earth is too big to be affected by the force, but you aren't, so you move instead. In a sense, the Earth pushes back against you.

It didn't take Newton long to realize the implications of his laws. While looking at the Moon in an apple orchard, Newton had the mother of all "ah-ha" moments; if circular isn't the default direction of motion then why the fuck is the Moon moving in a circle? The only sensible answer is that a force is acting on the Moon to keep it in orbit. He then saw an apple fall and figured "huh, maybe it's the same thing."

And that's how we got the law of universal gravitation. This was a huge deal. Sure, even ancient people knew that something kept us tethered to our planet, but before Newton, no one considered that the same force was active all throughout the universe. People just kind of assumed that Earth physics and space physics were two completely different things; this was the law that finally demonstrated they are, in truth, the exact same physics!

Basically, the law of  universal gravitation states there is an attractive force between any two objects in the universe. Yes, even those two. The bigger these objects, the stronger the gravitational pull is between them; furthermore, gravity becomes weaker as the distance between the two objects increases.

See? Gravity is actually pretty simple; well, at least until relativity (more on that later). Physics kinda got weird after Einstein showed up.




Sources:

The Sciences: An Integrated Approach

www.nasa.gov

galileo.rice.edu

The Founding of a New Era

          With our current leadership leading us right into a government shutdown, as well as the many other blunders that blot U.S. politics, I have decided to found my own political party: the Death Party. Now, I do not have the time or resources to officially register this party, but as we all know, change is a grassroots movement. The Death Party may lack educated lawyers, elite businessmen, and fancy rhetoric, but look where all those things have gotten us so far. We are a simple organization with a simple platform.
          First, we desire to replace elections with gladiatorial games. Every four years all potential candidates will travel to Washington DC to participate in the Official Bald Eagle Tournament (colloquially known as "the Primary"), where presidential candidates will fight to the death for the honor of challenging the reigning President. Governors, congressmen, and all other political offices will be decided in the same fashion. All of these tournaments will, of course, be televised. In addition to getting rid of surplus politicians, C-SPAN will finally be watchable!
          The core of our beliefs, however, lie in our simple, but elegant "Guns and Abortions" policy. Republicans like guns, but hate abortion. Democrats like abortion, but hate guns. Furthermore, both sides actually believe their respective issue should be optional! The Death Party will end such nonsense and make gun ownership and abortion mandatory. Note that by "mandatory abortions" we do not mean you have to get an abortion if you get pregnant; we mean you must get pregnant and you must have an abortion. Why? Because our crack team of amoral scientists need dead fetuses to continue progress of Project Lotus-Eater. Further information on Project Lotus-Eater is classified. It has been brought to my attention that this policy puts a much higher strain on women than men. The women of America are a valued resource and your concerns are being addressed. As you read this, a second crack team of amoral scientists are working on Project Seahorse, which will significantly reduce the burden on women. Further information on Project Seahorse is classified.
          You may be wondering how we plan to keep the population up if we terminate all pregnancies. This brings us to our immigration policies. First, we will eliminate all federal presence on the border; plenty of libertarians will guard it for free so why waste precious taxpayer dollars that could be going to Project Guns That Shoot Black-Holes. Second, any immigrant who can fight his or her way past the volunteer border patrol is given citizenship. This ensures that only the strongest, smartest, and luckiest get in. If this is not enough to keep our population stable, we will annex Canada.
          Next, military and law enforcement reform. Local law enforcement will be replaced by the Volunteer Vigilante Vanguard (V-3). Like the border patrol, paying local law enforcement is entirely unnecessary, as people are willing to do it for free. Through V-3, concerned citizens can be licensed to fight crime in their county by a process not unlike voter registration! As for federal law enforcement, it will be merged with the military to create a Chimeric entity hereby referred to as The Machine. The Machine will require its personnel to, when not undercover, wear face concealing helmets for maximal intimidation; they are not your friends, they are The Machine. The helmets will also have reflective visors, so that enemies of the state can see the fear in their own eyes as they are being detained/brutalized/straight up tortured/summarily executed. Speaking of execution, the Death Party seeks to instate a universal death penalty for federal offenses. Executions will be publicly broadcasted as game shows where convicts spin a giant wheel to determine how they will die. The methods of execution included on the wheel will be up to individual states, though creativity is encouraged.
          The Death Party may seem a bit extreme at first glance, but these are extreme times and if you take the time to look at these policies, you'll see they are this great nation's best hope for survival.

        It has been brought to my attention that America operates on bipartisanship, so there is a chance the Death Party won't be elected. To solve this issue, I am proud to announce the establishment of my own opposition, the First Church of Christ Communist Revolutionary (FCCCR). The FCCCR seeks to instate a communist theocracy based on the teachings of the People's Savior, Jesus Christ. You see, Marx's greatest flaw wasn't his inability to predict the emergence of a strong middle class, it was that he took God out of it. Lenin, Stalin, Mao, Castro; all atheists! Without the guidance of Comrade Christ, of coarse communism will fail. Any government will. In this dying country, the elite have convinced the proletariat that God supports their evils, but anyone who has actually read the Bible knows these false shepherds for what they are. The Holy Book makes it very clear that Jesus is a communist. Just take a look at these verses:
           Leviticus 25:35 - If one of your countrymen becomes poor and is unable to support himself among you, help him as you would an alien or a temporary resident, so he can continue to live among you.
          Deuteronomy 23:19 - Do not charge your brother interest, whether on money or food or anything else that may earn interest.
          Luke 14:27 - Whoever is not willing to carry his cross and follow me cannot be my follower.
          Mark 10:45 - For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.
          Matthew 19:21 - Jesus said to him, “If you wish to be complete, go and sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.”
          Still not convinced? Well how about this: for the entire time Jesus was on this Earth, He only lost His temper once; not when He was tempted by His enemy, Satan, but when capitalists tried to profit off of the Father's teachings. Also, lets not forget that Jesus almost exclusively associated with the lower echelons of society; He only met with the elite when He felt like telling them how much they suck. The corruption of His teachings by the bourgeoisie must come to an end! Together, we can turn Washington DC from a den of thieves, into a blessed temple of the Lord!

So, does anyone know how to say "viva la revolucion" in Hebrew?