First, we desire to replace elections with gladiatorial games. Every four years all potential candidates will travel to Washington DC to participate in the Official Bald Eagle Tournament (colloquially known as "the Primary"), where presidential candidates will fight to the death for the honor of challenging the reigning President. Governors, congressmen, and all other political offices will be decided in the same fashion. All of these tournaments will, of course, be televised. In addition to getting rid of surplus politicians, C-SPAN will finally be watchable!
The core of our beliefs, however, lie in our simple, but elegant "Guns and Abortions" policy. Republicans like guns, but hate abortion. Democrats like abortion, but hate guns. Furthermore, both sides actually believe their respective issue should be optional! The Death Party will end such nonsense and make gun ownership and abortion mandatory. Note that by "mandatory abortions" we do not mean you have to get an abortion if you get pregnant; we mean you must get pregnant and you must have an abortion. Why? Because our crack team of amoral scientists need dead fetuses to continue progress of Project Lotus-Eater. Further information on Project Lotus-Eater is classified. It has been brought to my attention that this policy puts a much higher strain on women than men. The women of America are a valued resource and your concerns are being addressed. As you read this, a second crack team of amoral scientists are working on Project Seahorse, which will significantly reduce the burden on women. Further information on Project Seahorse is classified.
You may be wondering how we plan to keep the population up if we terminate all pregnancies. This brings us to our immigration policies. First, we will eliminate all federal presence on the border; plenty of libertarians will guard it for free so why waste precious taxpayer dollars that could be going to Project Guns That Shoot Black-Holes. Second, any immigrant who can fight his or her way past the volunteer border patrol is given citizenship. This ensures that only the strongest, smartest, and luckiest get in. If this is not enough to keep our population stable, we will annex Canada.
Next, military and law enforcement reform. Local law enforcement will be replaced by the Volunteer Vigilante Vanguard (V-3). Like the border patrol, paying local law enforcement is entirely unnecessary, as people are willing to do it for free. Through V-3, concerned citizens can be licensed to fight crime in their county by a process not unlike voter registration! As for federal law enforcement, it will be merged with the military to create a Chimeric entity hereby referred to as The Machine. The Machine will require its personnel to, when not undercover, wear face concealing helmets for maximal intimidation; they are not your friends, they are The Machine. The helmets will also have reflective visors, so that enemies of the state can see the fear in their own eyes as they are being detained/brutalized/straight up tortured/summarily executed. Speaking of execution, the Death Party seeks to instate a universal death penalty for federal offenses. Executions will be publicly broadcasted as game shows where convicts spin a giant wheel to determine how they will die. The methods of execution included on the wheel will be up to individual states, though creativity is encouraged.
The Death Party may seem a bit extreme at first glance, but these are extreme times and if you take the time to look at these policies, you'll see they are this great nation's best hope for survival.
It has been brought to my attention that America operates on bipartisanship, so there is a chance the Death Party won't be elected. To solve this issue, I am proud to announce the establishment of my own opposition, the First Church of Christ Communist Revolutionary (FCCCR). The FCCCR seeks to instate a communist theocracy based on the teachings of the People's Savior, Jesus Christ. You see, Marx's greatest flaw wasn't his inability to predict the emergence of a strong middle class, it was that he took God out of it. Lenin, Stalin, Mao, Castro; all atheists! Without the guidance of Comrade Christ, of coarse communism will fail. Any government will. In this dying country, the elite have convinced the proletariat that God supports their evils, but anyone who has actually read the Bible knows these false shepherds for what they are. The Holy Book makes it very clear that Jesus is a communist. Just take a look at these verses:
Leviticus 25:35 - If one of your countrymen becomes poor and is unable to support himself among you, help him as you would an alien or a temporary resident, so he can continue to live among you.
Deuteronomy 23:19 - Do not charge your brother interest, whether on money or food or anything else that may earn interest.
Luke 14:27 - Whoever is not willing to carry his cross and follow me cannot be my follower.
Mark 10:45 - For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.
Matthew 19:21 - Jesus said to him, “If you wish to be complete, go and sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.”
Still not convinced? Well how about this: for the entire time Jesus was on this Earth, He only lost His temper once; not when He was tempted by His enemy, Satan, but when capitalists tried to profit off of the Father's teachings. Also, lets not forget that Jesus almost exclusively associated with the lower echelons of society; He only met with the elite when He felt like telling them how much they suck. The corruption of His teachings by the bourgeoisie must come to an end! Together, we can turn Washington DC from a den of thieves, into a blessed temple of the Lord!
So, does anyone know how to say "viva la revolucion" in Hebrew?
No comments:
Post a Comment